Life doesn't come with a handbook

I woke up this morning, absolutely exhausted. In fact I'm pretty sure instead of sleeping last night, I slept walked into an all night rave, and then ran a marathon, before being rudely awaken by my alarm clock this morning. Which after about twelve times of hitting snooze, I reset the alarm for half an hour later, then remained in bed for a further 15 minutes after it went off. Twice.

I allocate enough time in the morning to apply a decent covering of makeup, and by covering I mean, enough to make me look awake, yet little enough to look as if I hadn't tried. But despite these hard efforts I still get comments like "my gosh you look tired" ... I don't know why I was so tired, I've worked a few hours over the past few days, and by few I mean more then 10 hour shifts, but c'mon I'm young I can handle this. Quite clearly not. But still, I served two customers at work today, and even that was a challenge, they even left a £5 tip, I couldn't even find their wine they wanted. I pretty much failed at my job. Then I had the dreaded thought of having to go back to work tonight, but luckily for me I was given the night off.

One thing I hate about work is how far away I am from the real world, the musings of my friends, my family. I end my shift by rushing to my phone to check how many texts I've not had. Somedays if I'm lucky I have something I'm more then excited to read, other days I think my phones probably broken, because it's practically out of the ordinary I haven't recieved a single text since starting work. 7 hours ago. Today was one of those days, where I had a text, but I just didn't know what the hell to respond. The rest of the day sort of took shape of that.

I'm a procrastinator. So I avoid what I'm meant to be doing. Or texting back. Or planning, and instead I find myself doing other things. Take for instance eating chocolate cakes, then realising ten minutes later they are a few months out of date. So then deciding it was about time I find myself a good fitting bra. So I enrol my sister to tell me where to find a real bad boy. So I'm now buying a wonderbra. But really what I should be doing is texting someone back. Someone who is most definitely indefinitely reading this. Trust me I want to text back, but there's a part of me that finds it easier to write what I really want to say on here. Not exactly good, but it's easier for me. It's more natural to type then it is to text.

Don't you wish things were different? I do, a lot of things, somethings are practically impossible to change. Sometimes the damage has been done. I've already had a situation where I've dragged someone into unfinished business, and they left faster then they came. Unfinished business is bad for the mind, and for the heart. You can definitely feel those heart strings being tugged, or torn rather then pulled. I wish someone could give you direction, without being judgemental or critical. I wish people would realise things before it's too late. Opportunities arise, that at the time your scared of, but there's a part of you that wishes for it. But there will always be the other part of you that doubts it. It's hard to really understand something that used to be something but changed, and got misshaped. I always have these irrational thoughts, and I sometimes think its because of these I put others down, because they're not as spontaneous as my brain, so what I thought, and they didn't do, I guess disappoints me. But is it really that bad to have high expectations? Keeping them on their toes. Your always meant to keep them wanting more, but what if they had everything you could give them, is that when your constantly at each other moaning? It's like being thrown back and forth, it's like playing jenga. You find your stable and safe at the start, but slowly little bits of you start getting snatched away, until one day you can't support the heavy weight, and it all comes crashing down. I wish someone would rebuild my jenga tower, and keep it there. Wrap it in tape, so it doesn't fall again.

xox

Freaking out over dinner ..

It's not the thought of going to dinner that scares me. The entire scenario freaks me out. Let's give you a little background here. I'm 19, nearly 20. Probably for the last 5 years (if my maths is correct) I have been in what people call a relationship. Well two, both over a year, one over 2 and a half years. That's a long time. The first one was more of two friends being good friends, and in fact we're still friends. So I never really count that one. The latter, I do count, it's my most recent, it only really ended recently (well months ago) but it saw me through some of my biggest life changes etc... But seeing as I've spent most of my younger years in relationships it's a bit of a shock horror being a single girl. I don't really want a relationship now as I'm too busy to even go and buy shampoo from tescos. I was too busy yesterday that I missed lunch and dinner (to be fair I was working ...) but by the time I had finished I realised everywhere was shut, and all I had eaten all day was some scraps of fudge ... and to be fair to myself once again it was a massive bowl of fudge. But still, I've got a list as long as my arms (and your arms) of things I need/want to do. Trying to balance all of this and a man ... no no no. It would quite frankly be impossible. But regardless of this, I have in fact been invited out for dinner. I freaked out so much that I sort of just haven't replied to the poor chap. Instead I've sort of called for a girls night, and I know they will guide me on the right path, that's what the girls are for. But still I feel sort of bad, I just kind of left him hanging. But what's a girl to do in this situation? I can't just live under a rock forever. Even though in this scenario I would quite like to.

xox

2012.

Hello my lovelies! Can't believe it's Mid-January already! I hope you all had a good New Year! I was working til late, but ended up having a pretty good evening after despite spending it at work! I saw the New Year in with my work colleagues, then my very lovely best friend came to the hotel which was the most perfect way to spend the evening! 

Im currently sat in bed watching Desperate Housewives, it's my favourite! I've had such a good tv day today, watched the Hustle and Top Gear on catch up earlier, love them both! Drank so much tea today aswell! 

Also today I realised there are some really good people in the world, people you meet at the time you don't realise will be there years after, some people have real hearts of gold. The future is already looking brighter! 

<3 

1. Something

It's annoying when you see someone after months of not seeing them, and instantly they make everything ok. You forget about all the hurt, and all the drama that you went through. But for that moment where your actually seeing them, face to face, you just remember everything good about that person. Then time goes on, and you think your both on the same track, but there's a miscommunication, and one thinks you think something else, and your actually thinking the complete opposite.

Time slowly begins to tinker on, and your reminded of all the little things that annoyed you, all the things that can't be forgiven. Then it feels like your fighting for something that you shouldn't be fighting for anymore. It's easy to get confused, people do get involved. You try listening to your heart, but your head is screaming the complete opposite. But you still your both on the same path. You both want the same thing, and all the little things are ridiculous.

Then it goes quiet.